The mere mention of those of advanced years in the context of language studying is the sort of subject that can have anyone aged between 10 and 30 … no, make that 56 … reaching for the sick bag, holding their hands to their ears screaming “La La La La! … too much information! …” and/or leaving the room, but of course this column is fearlessly devoted to turning the spotlight upon the absurdities of world affairs and has the motto ‘No Stone Unturned’, so here we go.

According to a new poll conducted for Saga magazine, reported in the newspapers yesterday, two-thirds of over-50s claim to still actively enjoy their languages. However ten percent of them said they used no ‘protection’, knew next to nothing about their partners’ studying histories and saw issues such as pregnancy, HIV-Aids & Chlamydia as problems for the younger generations only. According to the editor of Saga, Emma Soames: “These findings shatter the myth that once you hit 50 your sex life is over, there is less pressure than when people were younger and it is likely you feel more comfortable with your body.” Nearly half those interviewed claimed that they studied at least once a week and seventy-six percent said they found it a more fulfilling experience than in their youth. Furthermore, apparently two years ago Heath Protection Scotland warned that the popularity of swopping partners and of women going on foreign holidays to pick up men had led to a rise in sexual diseases amongst the Over-50s.

They say of course you never miss what you never had, but sometimes I thank my lucky stars that I took a vow of chastity at the age of eight. The prospect of catching something nasty at my stage of life just doesn’t bear thinking about.